thecaptainjacksparrow:

elysian-serendipity:

touchmeslowly:

Jack Sparrow’s way of telling you your hair is ratchet.

That’s Captain Jack Sparrow you uneducated shit

thanks, kid

Whether you come back by page or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.

sextspert:

superwholock-at-hogwarts:

chevvybar:

hiddlestalker:

lifehackable:

More Life Hacks Here

Day 1: you ripped open my vagina and I hate you
Day 5: just kidding you’re so cute and soft and small lol I could fit you in a handbag
Month 2: STOP CRYING PLEEEAASE. JUST ONE HOUR OF SLEEP AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVERRRR
Month 5: mama? Mama? Mama? Say it? Please? Say something? Please
Month 8: IF. YOU. DON’T. STOP. SAYING. MAMA. THE. POLICE. WILL. NEVER. FIND. THE. BODY.
Year 1: One down. 17 to go…
Year 1, Month 11: oh god.. it’s coming…
Year 2: NO PLEASE JUST PUT THAT DOWN. NNOOO! DON’T TOUCH THAT! Baby, i love you no matter whaT BUT PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THAT JJUST STAY STILL PLEASE SWEETHEART
Year 3: Oh thank god that’s over
Year 4: Awwww, you went to preschool. isn;t that adorable, my little intellectual shit
Year 5: ACTUAL SCHOOL! YOU LEARNED COLORS AND NUMBERS YOU’RE A GENIUS

Year 15: You called me a fuckwit. What the fuck is a fuckwit?

year 16; oh god no LIGHTLY step on the gas NO NON NO NO YOU DONT HAVE TO PRESS THAT HARD ON THE BREAK!!!

year 17: I caught you masturbating but you didn’t notice so I didn’t say anything. You’re welcome.

moody-booty:

every day putting on my makeup

pruderanch:

200% sure that all of my friend have secret meetings where they just talk about how annoying I am

orgasm:

i feel like 94% of american history is people complaining about taxes

meladoodle:

*prosecuting lawyer voice* i have only one question for the defendant… ‘guiltypersonsayswhat?’
“what?” 
haha owned you’re going to jail

meanplastic:

*breathes*
*gains 5 pounds*

credit